My Husband Has Been Committing Adultery

Aug

My Husband Has Been Committing Adultery

Dear Diana,

My husband has probably been committing adultery, physically or on the internet, dating sites, business trips, and road trips.

However this past year, I found out about his affair with a co-worker for the past 5-6 months.

After confronting him, and her, they both have denied the affair, but has also made it known that it started out as a sex thing, and since it has gone on for almost 6 months it has now turned in to an emotional bond, he seems to have grown an emotional bond with this married woman of 30+ years.

They both have met in my home, in her home, and probably at the work place too, but it is a lot more than they both play it out to be portrayed. I have looked on the internet searches on my husband’s system, and have found topics such as:

how to cheat without getting caught
how to cheat without my wife finding out
what to do after the first kiss
can I have herpes
how to tell if I have herpes

and so forth.

What this looks to me is he is confused about everything in his life, and I am trying to understand what he is thinking, feeling, and all, but because now he has added another to the marriage, I can’t seem to get through. He is looking to the internet for advice, when he should be looking at US, or am I wrong, or is it too late?

We are married, but I seem to have lost him somewhere. He is compensating for something lost in his life, and I just don’t get it. We have two children together, and he is older than I am.

I am unsure of the trust thing, and so forth, but know, he is taking my sweetness & kindness as a weakness. If he want to be with her, but know, it can’t be because she is married, and sleeps around with lots of men, and he was just a number for her, but she’s telling him otherwise to keep him at bay, as intelligent as he supposedly is, why does he not see it, can he be sprung by sex, and be confused?

Last but not least, I saw an article he typed out searching for advice off of the internet stating: I care about my wife, but love another; I just don’t love her anymore.

What a coward, took so many years, time, away from me, and jumps out of it as if it never existed for some hooch.

One minute, he seems to be getting along with me talking about going back to church, going to counseling attempting to save this marriage from falling, and the next minute, he is secretive, defensive, obnoxious, reserved, and never say’s I love you anymore, so I don’t either.

I know acting out the same as he does to me does not make the marriage better. It hurts.

What do I do Diana?

Thank you,

Yassie

——————————————–

Dear Yassie,

You know your husband has cheated on you and continues to do so. Yet, you seem to be silently steaming but doing nothing proactive to help yourself out of what appears to be a very toxic relationship.

I admire you commitment to your marriage, however, when someone has treated you with such blatant disrespect as your husband has and is, I suggest you talk to a marriage counselor to aid you through the emotional turmoil, as well as a divorce lawyer about what your options are considering the amount of time you have been married and the state in which you live in.

I’m concerned that your husband’s extramarital affairs are putting your physical health at risk

I do not like to be the bearer of bad news. Usually I advocate for working out marital issues. However, I’m concerned that your husband’s extramarital affairs are putting your physical health at risk, not to mention the emotional toll you are facing. I’m uncertain of how a marriage can be saved while only one person is willing to do the work it requires to be salvaged.

When someone cheats it does not mean the relationship is over as long as that person has learned the lesson, but when the person keeps making the same mistake over repeatedly and then says a flippant, “I’m sorry,” without any action behind it, it clearly shows they will do as they like, when they like, regardless of the consequences.

Sadly, your husband has faced absolutely no consequences except an angry, upset wife.

I suggest seeking further advice from a marriage counselor, then seek legal counsel to know your options. I’m not saying you have to take any steps towards divorce but it is better to know that you have choices.

My thoughts are with you.

Best,

Diana

Jason says:
August 20, 2011 at 6:45 am
It takes two to make the relationship work…no amount of caring, sharing, and understanding will work when it's a one way street. Regardless of whether he's "confused" or feeling "torn" he made a committment to you. He should have sorted out all that mess before stepping up to the altar. This isn't an "oops I slipped up" incident…this is a repeated pattern of cheating. That means his selfish desire has long ago conquered his morals and it's doubtful at best that anything can be salvaged short of a wholesale character rehabilitation (unlikely). Counseling may help in the short run…but its probable that this other woman…or still yet a new "other woman" will eventually creep back into the picture. As painful as it might be, make a deliberate choice to either double down on a gamble that he might change…or better yet, cut your losses before your self respect completely evaporates. There are guys out there who have matured beyond the kid-in-a-candy-store mentality.
Reply
Robert Norwood says:
August 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm
I don't know whether it's because I'm a guy or what but when I hear terms such as "confused", "torn", etc. from guys who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends I go nuts. What a lame excuse. Who are they trying to kid? Anyone who uses these terms to excuse themselves from loyalty and decency is a selfish coward. These terms are often grasped for when they know exactly what they are doing and want their own scum to somehow slide off. Honor is a thing much talked about, we all would like to say we possess it. But a man who cheats on the person who loves them is a weak and spineless jellyfish, or worse, abusive. A man like this has no honor. My advice is dump them like sniper and let someone really decent find you. failing that, life alone with peace and well being is better than the company of pain, humiliation, and torment.
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- Lauramroberts says:
  August 26, 2011 at 4:21 pm
  Bravo…and completely agree!!
  Reply
  - Robert Norwood says:
    August 26, 2011 at 5:46 pm
    Thank you Laura!
    I am some times accused of being somewhat "black and white" but, as I see it, it is only on things that are black and white such as – you don't cheat on your wife or girlfriend, you don't hit them, you don't deny emotional comfort and support, you don't say humiliating things or treat her like she's stupid, especially in front of others.
    Some things are perfectly clear, the answers obvious, if that's "black and white" then I guess I am. Honesty takes courage and I some times wonder if it is out of style.
    I have a poem but putting it in gives a "too long" warning. So in another reply.
    Reply
    - Lauramroberts says:
      August 26, 2011 at 5:50 pm
      You are a rare breed to be sure. Marriage is black and white. If you can't HONOR the vows then don't say them and don't get married. And I tend to be "black and white" about many things myself.
      Reply
      - Robert Norwood says:
        August 26, 2011 at 6:11 pm
        What a joy when woman fills the eye
        Sensuous, smokey, sultry,
        Woman of the earth,
        the cool of the forest floor
        lava rock warm
        kind compassionate hope of giving
        hope of life, hope of love
        Man is meant to move earth
        and sky for you
        Man must shelter, shield you from rain or hail
        or harm, place himself between
        place you above him
        to elevate his soul, elevate himself
        in the eyes of others and in yours.
        Yes, when he lives in the light of
        one woman’s smile, a woman’s joy
        he finds what it is to live true
        the way a spoked wheel is trued
        to spin evenly and straight
        "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation"
        said a poet, if true then woman is
        his refuge from that desperation.
      - Lauramroberts says:
        August 26, 2011 at 6:14 pm
        Beautiful!
      - Robert Norwood says:
        August 26, 2011 at 6:23 pm
        Do you run this site? I ended up here by accident but being ex-military the logo caught my eye. I'm also on facebook, und du?
      - Lauramroberts says:
        August 26, 2011 at 6:26 pm
        No, I don't run this site….I came to it through Military.com and it caught my eye. And yes, I'm on facebook as well LOL.
      - Robert Norwood says:
        August 26, 2011 at 6:13 pm
        A toast to being black and white!
      - Lynn says:
        October 10, 2011 at 2:32 pm
        My God, I'm black and white about this stuff too. Thought I was born in the wrong age or something.
      - RobertNorwood says:
        October 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm
        Being a stand-up individual never goes out of style and the things that make you "stand-up" are simply black and white – you can't trade one for the other, dilute, play on, or modify honor, decency and integrity and the issues that fall under them.
        Any other versions are weak. Know some weak people?
      - Lynn says:
        October 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm
        too many to count. lol
      - RobertNorwood says:
        October 10, 2011 at 3:45 pm
        Scrape them off.
DD.... says:
August 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm
His not a coward and would have kick you to the curb except for pat Schroeder. This is silly a woman spreads her legs and then mistreats a man and if he divorces her she steals his retirement. You want to hear the truth release the gold diggers hold on our service men and you will have 90% of men kicking you out with your so called AMERICAN WOMEN EMPOWERMENT!!!
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- Robert Norwood says:
  August 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm
  I have never heard anything so absurd put so poorly. You should work for the military writing secret messages. By the time they figured out what you said the war would be over.
  Reply
  - Lauramroberts says:
    August 26, 2011 at 6:40 pm
    Exactly. However, you'd be surprised how many Military men say much the same thing. It was why I was impressed with your comments Robert. Ironically, most the Military men saying this were caught cheating…not all…but quite a few. Then there are those whose wives cheated on them. But I do see this attitude a great deal.
    Reply
    - Robert Norwood says:
      August 26, 2011 at 7:09 pm
      I guess I am a little naïve. I don't know, the military and what I went through instilled higher things in me. Isn't that a drive in all of us, to be better than we are?
      I mean, that stuff is all so mealy mouthed. It seems to me real soldiers, real men – and woman, don't respect or like "mealy mouthed" in others. So why go there?
      Hey guys – don't be mealy mouthed little swine!
      Reply
      - Lauramroberts says:
        August 26, 2011 at 7:12 pm
        I know I have absolutely no respect for those types and am quite vocal about it..
MARY says:
August 25, 2011 at 11:59 am
WORD TO THE WISE…. As long as you allow a man to abuse, mistreat you, and cheat on you, he will not stop!
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hom2vt says:
August 27, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Hello Laura!
I have been reading the exchange you have had with Robert. It is all common sense and although I do feel for Yassie, she knows the solutions but seems hesitant to apply them. Her free wheeling husband could bring her home a nasty little present that can impact her health for the rest of her life. If they decide to salvage this marriage gone awry I would recommend no sexual contact until they both are medically tested for sexual diseases including HIV. Gone undetected, this can affect an unborn child. She is unfortunate in many ways, including the day she met this man.
Robert – love the poem – is this individual out there somewhere?
Roz in Vermont
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Rick_Eland says:
September 3, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Several times, while I was active duty, I had supervisors/bosses that "fell for me" and wanted to "play around" but regardless how attracted I was to each one, I never followed through with the temptation for the biggest reason of all; they were married. Any guy that is already spoken-for whether he's merely dating someone or is fully married, I've always respected the existing relation.
Even though I was enlisted, I was pursued by both senior enlisted and commisioned. It was flattering but I didn't want become "the other woman."
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FMichaels says:
October 11, 2011 at 4:53 am
Anyone who pursues a married person, whether they are separated or not, is only asking for trouble. Why would the mistress think that she will receive better treatment once she is the wife?It’s always only a matter of time before the “bloom” of love fades (or is drowned out by a screaming baby) and then it’s on to the next, younger woman.
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Apryl says:
December 10, 2011 at 9:05 pm
Hello, it has been a few years since my divorce from a e5 in the army. The way that everything has turned out and the way that htings ended up I have been trying to decide if I should take my information forward of my ex husband adultery. I have all the 100% proof that is needed. Which is of him having a baby with with another woman 2 months after or divorce was final. Just curious if anyone has ever been in this situation before and what are some steps I should take.
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- William says:
  December 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm
  Depends on how long ago- Article 43 of UCMJ establishes the statute of limitations as 2 years for Non-judicial punishment as well as "a person charged with an offense is not liable to be tried by court-martial if the offense was committed more than five years before the receipt of sworn charges and specifications by an officer exercising summary court- martial jurisdiction over the command." And adultery would not go to court martial. So by the time all the information is gathered to produce charges for Article 15, UCMJ, and assuming your terms "few" and the plural "years" mean 2 or more, you wont be able to do anything.
  But if I'm wrong on the time line….
  Reply
- William says:
  December 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm
  Next. for adultery you have to be able to prove carnal knowledge. So, you would need to prove the child is his, which may go as far as a paternity test, possibly court ordered. So really, you don't have any proof unless you have in hand those results- specifically because any person can sign a birth certificate or claim a child- but that doesn't prove carnal knowledge in his case or even that the child is his without a conclusive paternity test.
  Your best bet is to move on with your life like he has and dont try and "reachback" for no other reason than to cause pain- because that's all you will do for all involved.
  Reply
- margie says:
  April 30, 2012 at 10:45 am
  I agree with William. You are already divorced and obviously you did nothing about it while you were married or pending divorce., You don't say if you have kids from that union, but why wreak his job if he's paying child support: You just sound angry and want revenge. Go vent with a therapist, revenge is not going to make you feel better, and may have unexpected consequences. Some people growup others don't. If you get angry everytime you see him, stay away or try to be civil if he is picking up the kids. At 18 years old, if you have kids, they can make up their minds about dad and their relationship with him. In the mean time never talk bad about him in front of them, no matter what you think of him.
  Reply
Maria says:
April 28, 2012 at 11:05 pm
My boyfriend lied to me.he is married. And we have new born baby.
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Maria says:
April 28, 2012 at 11:08 pm
What should I do.because I have a new born baby. And he is not telling his wife or his parents. Completely denied the baby boy. Help me please
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- Margie says:
  April 30, 2012 at 10:11 am
  You were just a blip on his radar and when he was done, he dropped you like a hot potatoe. Get a lawyer and court ordered DNA test. If he's in the Miitary it is already on record. After paternity is determined, get court ordered child support. If he doesn't pay it vountarially then go to his commanding officer with the legal paperwork. For the rest, honey he has cut his loses. Move on as a single parent. You sound young. Decide what path you want to take to give your self and your baby a good life. Go to school. There are plenty of jobs that pay well out there. Beware of schools that say they can get you a job. I went to Medical Assistant school. The field was so flooded, I could not get a job.
  Reply
Margie says:
April 30, 2012 at 10:26 am
Herpes is forever once you get it. I he's inquiring about it, then he suspects he has it. Go to your OB/GYN and get tested for all STD's. I suspect that even with all the cheating, you are still in love with him and that's why you won't leave. I did that and I was so miserable. Finally my children came up and asked why I didn't divorce him yet. It was during a time when one of his girlfriends started comming to my house and telling the kids she was going to marry their dad. The following year I finally divorced him. The best thing that helped me was during the time I was getting my act together, I lived in another state and it made it easier. I was able to see clearly not only the cheating, but all the other things he lied about, through out our marriage. My ex would not go to counseling while we were married, but I did on my own, to help put things in perspective. You may still love him, but is it worth all the heart ache by staying with him? It is easier to get divorced while the kids are young than when they are teenagers (they will take advantage of the broken marriage). Good luck.
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shay says:
May 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm
I wondering what i should do i am still married to a active duty army solider who cheated on me with one of his co worker the female knew that we were married and still did things to break up my marriage. He is now with her in the home i put a deposit on we both have a 1 YEAR OLD daugther who is affect my whats going on. his actions are set on what the female wants and what she needs instead of worrying about his daugther needs now i never asked mt husband for anything abd i had his back fron going to apply to be in rhe military to hs acrive duty position now but its seems that after he got a lil money.and a lil more from a female he has lost his mind.
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- brem94 says:
  May 10, 2012 at 12:06 pm
  Go to court, get a temporary custody order that includes child support, then start on the necessary paperwork to get a divorce. Your spouse made his decision and has moved on without you, so now you do as well. That means moving home or somewhere else so that you are not around him. If necessary you sell things to get yourself settled. When the divorce is final the child is still a dependent so gets Tricare, ID card, base/post access, etc…
  Reply
- georgia says:
  May 11, 2012 at 11:36 am
  You said you put the deposit on the home, why is he in it? Run to a lawyers office. The court can garnish his wages for chld support while you are waiting for a divorce. You can even bring a copy of the court order to his Commanding Officer to ensure that is done. The court will tell you how much he has to pay for child support in the state you file in. Get the Tri-Care for your child and the ID card. While waiting for the divorce to become final, you are entitled to the Tri-Care and ID card. In your divorce decree you can either get your deposit back or the house if it is in the decree. Make sure you have a really good lawyer. Every state is different in language as to what the former spouses are allowed to get, for example: California and Texas are 50-50 states, while some states say you only get what you entered the marriage with. Good Luck.
  Reply

My Husband Has Been Committing Adultery

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